Barbie and The Backstabbing Hoes

Growing up, my Barbies never got along.

Because they were all a bunch of backstabbing hoes.

Even Skipper couldn’t be trusted (though no one ever took her seriously).

No matter how many times I would try to set up a peaceable scenario for them to play out (a family reunion, a school dance, a wedding), someone would always wind up sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend causing the rest of the hour to be spent carrying out personal vendettas.

I’m sure my Barbies never meant to be whores but with only one Ken to share amongst the 12 of them, they had no other choice.

I take that back.  We also had a Michael Jackson Thriller doll.

Photo source here

Photo source here

But he gave our Barbie’s the eebie-jeebies.

Todd was our first Ken.  Actually, he was Lisa’s Ken and don’t you forget it!

Photo source here

Photo source here

Despite his love life, Todd really was a nice guy.  A gentleman even.  Whenever me and Lisa would play together, he was always a one-woman man.  Or…a one-Barbie Ken.  Whatever.

Todd’s lady of choice was always Sun Gold who also belonged to Lisa.  And you sure better not forget that, either!


Photo source here

Sun Gold was the prettiest Barbie any of us had ever owned and no matter how long I spent dressing and primping my dolls, they were never as beautiful as her.  In addition to looks, Sun Gold also had dibs on all of the cutest outfits.  This was an important advantage since me and Lisa’s favorite scenario to play out was “Cool Party.”

“Cool Party” was basically a beach party that our Barbies would spend all day getting ready for.  In reality, we spent about an hour carefully planning each doll’s outfit (the skimpier, the better) and hairstyle (the pouffier, the better).  Ironically, the actual party never lasted longer than five minutes which was more than enough time for Todd and Sun Gold to meet and then make out.

Unfortunately, Sun Gold suffered the ever-dreaded Barbie injury: decapitation.  One day she was placed in the Barbie box and the next she was retrieved with a broken neck.  No matter how hard Lisa tried to fix Sun Gold’s head, it would never be the same again.  The only option left was to screw her head onto her body resulting in a very unattractive broad jaw and squatty neck.  (I called this the “Bette Midler Effect.”)

To this day, Lisa blames me for the defacement of Sun Gold, but let it be known that I did not do it!  (I have my crystal-clear conscious as my witness.)

Besides, I have an alibi: I wasn’t in the Barbie box the night of Sun Gold’s beheading, but there were several jealous and embittered dolls who were

After the Sun Gold incident, Lisa rarely played Barbies with me anymore; a turn of events that proved advantageous since Todd would now have to consider some of my Barbies for once.  It was a miserable time for poor old Todd, but thankfully I received a new Ken for my birthday that year.

I named him Matt.


Photo source here

Matt was a spineless bastard.

Which is why I think he fell so hard for Vanessa.

Photo source here

Photo source here

Vanessa was my favorite Barbie.  How could she not be?  She had crimped hair and a super cool denim outfit AND diamond earrings AND a diamond ring!

Unfortunately, Vanessa was a major bitch; a trait she didn’t fully let loose until Stacy arrived.

Stacy was a “California Dream Barbie,” and after seeing her advertised numerous times on T.V., I knew I had to have her.

Photo source here

Photo source here

Stacy was just plain fun from her palm tree earrings straight down to her bright yellow boots.  Unlike Vanessa, Stacy was friendly and down-to-earth which gained her the respect of the other dolls right away.  She also caught Matt’s eye.

And so Matt left Vanessa for Stacy.

Who left Matt for Todd.

Who left Stacy for Vanessa.  (Don’t worry, Todd didn’t stay with Vanessa for long.  He found her to be too shallow.)

Unfortunately, Stacy’s reign as top Barbie began to crumble once I decided to comb her curly bangs, a move that turned her once-stylish coif into a mullet.  And a few months later, I accidentally vacuumed up her adorable bikini top.  Then I somehow misplaced her boots and her earrings.

Soon, Stacy became just another average Barbie.  (If “average” meant you were topless and had a mullet.)

So Matt went back to Vanessa (who still had her earrings, high heels and diamond ring) and Vanessa regained her place as top Barbie.

It was tough being a Barbie in my Barbie world.  Not only was it nearly impossible to get a date or avoid Vanessa’s flaming darts of hatred, the newly constructed Barbie Townhouse was getting bombarded with earthquakes.  No sooner would the dolls finish cleaning up from the last one that another would strike.

I have Lisa to thank for this.  I would be right in the middle of a good scene when she would sneak up, grab the edge of the townhouse and vigorously shake it back and forth shouting, “Earthquake!  Earthquake!” while Barbies and furniture flew everywhere.

I think this was Lisa’s way of getting even with me for Sun Gold’s misfortune.

Seeing that my Barbie world was in desperate need of a pick-me-up, I decided to get a new doll.  Little did I know I would be inviting World War III into my bedroom.  From the minute they first laid eyes on one another, Vanessa and Sandy (which is what I named the new Barbie) were at each other’s throats.

Vanessa hated Sandy’s bushy hair and purple eyes.

Sandy hated Vanessa’s pig nose and perky butt.

Matt thought both of them were pretty cute when they were angry.

In the end, Sandy’s hopes of being top Barbie were ruined when I tried to remove her earrings.  Not realizing they were permanently attached to her head, I yanked one off only to leave behind a bright pink stump.  Since I didn’t want her head to look lop-sided, I pulled off her other earring.  This left Sandy with two pink stumps sticking out of the sides of her head which made her look like Frankenstein. And so FrankenSandy joined Stacy-With-the-Mullet at the bottom of the pile.

(Unfortunately, I have no picture of Sandy to share with you.  I searched all over Google but never found a photo that matched her description.)

Eventually, life calmed down for my collection of backstabbing hoes.  Vanessa and Matt got married several times (she wanted a chance to walk down the aisle in each of her favorite gowns) before finally raising a family.

Todd went on to marry his long-time pal, Barbara, who was one of Leslie’s Barbie’s.


Photo source here

As a favor to her former lover, Sun Gold offered to be the godmother of Todd’s children.

Barbara consented as long as there was no funny business between them.

Sun Gold gave Barbara her word and then winked at Todd.

Sandy and Stacy became nuns and went on to start an orphanage for children with bad hair.

And as for me?  I went on to discover that no one else played as harshly with their Barbie’s as I did.  Apparently, all of my friends’ Barbies always shared and never gossiped and always got along.


I’m just glad that some of my Barbies never ran into some of their Barbies.

Otherwise, those Barbies might have mysteriously lost their heads, too.


28 thoughts on “Barbie and The Backstabbing Hoes

  1. Too funny, as always! Do you still have any of your dolls? Mine performed death defying deeds most days. . . racing in the orange & blue (what was up with that?!?) convertible off walls, having fiery crashes, being buried alive, parachuting off the top of the house with a handkerchief parachute, even bungee jumping with rubber bands (though I didn’t know what bungee jumping was, it was just fun to tie rubber bands around their ankles and jerk them up and down like a yo-yo from a high branch of the tree in our yard).
    I’m surprised any of mine survived, but they did and I have them still. . . in a box, in the closet, waiting to come alive again.

    • Hilarious! No, amazingly my Barbies were only adventurous in the bedroom. But the bungee jumping sounds like a great idea! Ha! I can just imagine a kid jerking their Barbies around like that.:) I thought I had kept back Matt and Vanessa but I could not locate them in my memories box.:( Not sure if they finally took that trip to Paris they were always talking about…

      • Yes you did. There is no other explanation. Then she had to go thru life looking like she had no neck. But maybe it helped distract the eye from her fingers that were twice as long as they should have been from us chewing on them.

      • I don’t remember chewing on her hands. Maybe YOU did that. After you broke her neck and decided to blame it on me…

      • Eh… if i was gonna break a barbie’s neck it would have been that one with the denim jacket and crimped hair. I hated that b*tch. ha ha

  2. You brought back so many memories for me here! My mother LOVED soap operas so much of my Barbie drama unfolded very similar to yours. You are seriously hilarious!

    • Ironically, my family was never the soap opera-watching family. My momma detested them. She did not even like us watching 90210. Maybe Barbies was our way to sneak in some drama.:)

  3. Heeeehehehe… I’m laughing way too hard. What drama! I would love to have seen it!

    Thinking back, my Barbies were far from perfect themselves. They weren’t as kick-butt as yours, but I had the “Ballet Barbie” who tended to reign over all situations (she had elbows AND knees and could out-pose any other Barbie), my First Barbie who was always there stealing the spotlight (but surprisingly not the men), and a few others that were there for plot devices. Their names changed so often I can’t remember them…

    There were a few guys in my world, but they never played big roles. It was mainly the ladies and their problems. I had a Ken, Eric from the Little Mermaid, and the Prince from Beauty and the Beast (he was never a beast; the costume was too hard to get back on). Ken would usually pair up with Ballet Barbie (when the Prince wasn’t sweeping her off her feet with his epic ponytail), and First Barbie was pretty much a loner. I think she tried dating all three and it never lasted.

    Oh man this is fun to think about this. I wish I still had all these guys and gals… 😀 Thank you for this trip down memory lane!

    • You should SO Google your dolls. My world lit up seeing all of their faces (heads intact) again. Wow! An Eric doll?? He would have stirred up some serious trouble with my hoes. What ever happened to your dolls?

      • Ballet Barbie –

        I forgot she came with Kelly. Kelly was usually ignored though.

        First Barbie (apparently aka Aerobic Barbie) –

        I remember this outfit so well… that’s how I found her, lol

        Eric –

        Beast –

        It’s hard to find the “old” versions that I had, lol. But I know that was the exact fluffy beast costume guy (didn’t he have a name? or was he just “the Prince”). Ahhh fun 🙂

        I gave away most of my Barbies at one point when I “got older” and was told I needed to clean out my closet, but I saved the couple that I mentioned here… only to have them lost when the hurricane hit. The only thing I saved from my “old toys” was one My Little Pony, a purple one with hearts and ribbons all over it. I can’t find a picture of her yet…

        And boy, did those ponies have some drama, lemme tell you… 😀

      • Oooh! Pony drama. I’ll have to hear about it later over coffee or something! Ill look at my schedule…

  4. I almost peed my pants laughing so hard at this! Btw, I chewed my Barbie’s fingers too, way back when. (Yes, they had Barbies back then.) My Barbie’s man was way more macho though….G.I.Joe

    • Well, peeing one’s pants is what our family does best, Momma So glad you enjoyed this entry. I was afraid it would offend.:) Love you! Thanks for letting us tear GI Joe’s outfit up.

  5. the first thing that came to mind was the soap bold and the beautiful and that was what dave said it reminded him of. lol. genetic maybe i dunno… hahah anyways, i was laughing so hard and the fact you knew their names and had pictures was awesome. All my barbies were named barbie unless it was her sister skipper or my aeriel doll. i had about 20 and they were all naked up on a shelf in the game room. Dave’s friends used to make comments about it. lol

    • haha, I know. Those naked barbie bodies haunt him to this day! That’s hilarious that you called them all the same name.:)

  6. I know! But actually I was thinking in this crazy day and age they would make Ken’s parts more realistic. Like bendable and posable. :0

  7. I just stumbled upon your blog, and was clicking around. Excellent! I was laughing until tears fell down my cheeks! Hillarious! Don’t worry, my barbies were hoes too, and always making out with my one Ken doll who himself had a mullet. I think I have passed this onto my 8 year old step daughter. Her Barbies are very sinister, they beat each other up, and once I caught her playing CSI Barbie….they had to figure out who murdered “Sheena”…my husband was distrubed….I found it awesome.

    • HURRAY! So glad you enjoyed the entry. Thank you for stopping by! THAT is hilarious about your daughter–my Barbie world never involved murder or crime scene investigations. Brilliant!

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