My Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad [Yard] Day


Every month or so I have a paper-bag-moment concerning the house.

By “paper-bag-moment” I mean: “I’M STRESSING OUT OVER HERE SO SOMEBODY BETTER GET ME A PAPER BAG TO BREATH INTO PRONTO OR I AM GONNA HYPERVENTILATE!!!!!”

Usually my paper-bag-moments are over the fact that we still have the same nasty flooring as we did when we moved in or the fact that 80% of our house still does not have light fixtures.

This week, however, my paper-bag-moment was over the backyard.

Our backyard looks like the setting of the post-apocalypse.:

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Part of me wants to think that my backyard is not all that bad; that its overgrown weeds and fire ants are simply representations of nature taking its course.

But rusted bed springs?

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Those are NOT natural.

Neither is that dratted shed behind me.

The dratted shed that TWO different people have promised to take off our hands.

The dratted shed that is STILL HERE!!!

And do you wanna know what ELSE is still here?

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The mile-long pile of limbs that was supposed to be put through the chipper three months ago.

But a mile-long pile of limbs is nothing compared to a mile-long stretch of grass stickers!

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I’ve tried pulling the durned things up by their roots, but I wind up getting more sticker than root!

Hey!  Remember the tree that fell on our house during the storm that occurred six weeks ago?

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Yep, it’s still there, too.

DOES SOMEBODY HAVE A PAPER BAG HANDY??!!!

OR AT LEAST A LARGE GARBAGE SACK TO PUT ALL OF THIS TRASH THAT HAS BEEN SITTING ON OUR DECK SINCE JANUARY??!!!

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There’s some springs near the shed,

and the shed near the pile,

and the pile in the stickers,

and the stickers ’round the tree,

and the tree on the deck,

and the trash on the deck,

And the green weeds grow all around, all around and the green weeds grow all around!

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The only reason why are backyard is in this condition is because we do not (yet) have the money in place for the well pump, the weed killer, the grass sod, the plants, etc., etc.

It’s a reality maddening enough to make a girl’s unibrow grow back!

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And oftentimes, my paper-bag-moments are followed by sit-and-sob moments.

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But my sit-and-sob moments are usually cut short by a tapping on my shoulder…

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…followed by an invitation to forget all of my troubles and share a glass of iced tea.

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“There’s a good beast-wife, drink your tea,” Dave urges.

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After a few sips and a few deep breaths, my unibrow disappears and my hair relaxes.

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“Thank you, husband.  I needed that.”

As Dave and I toast to a better yard, I thank God that even though our grass isn’t alive…

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…our love is.

And so my terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad yard day ended with my wonderful, delightful, so-good, very-sweet best friend.

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13 thoughts on “My Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad [Yard] Day

  1. Oh, I just love you two! Marvelous!
    You’ll get your yard, Lelani.

    I used to spend the winters with seed catalogues.

      • Oh, yes,! I ordered them, and I planted them, too . Things never turned out quite like the catalog.
        You just can’t beat a Pennsylvania Spring for beauty, though. That’s the only thing I ever miss in Texas.

      • I plan to grow roses here in Texas one day. Grew them in PA. Love them!

        Er, I think the photo of your ideal yard may have been taken in a more temperate climate. LOL

  2. I love it! Especially the pictures. Have I ever been through this a few hundred times in my life! haha The Lord will provide for you though, and it WILL get done. Now back to my scraping the chipping top layer off of the POS-poor-workmanship new sidewalk so we can have it re-done……..

  3. A side note: This entry was me venting frustration towards our lack of funds to beautify our yard. Not my husband. 😉

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