In the thirty years I’ve been alive, I have learned how to drive, feed my family, pay my bills on time and grow tomatoes. (Among other things.)
Unfortunately, I have not learned how to keep a pair of sunglasses.
Every pair that has ever come into my possession has been forgotten on the subway, lost in the river, sat on and/or destroyed beyond all recognition.
My corneas are very mad at me.
The first pair of sunglasses I ever paid for cost $12 at Burlington Coat Factory, and they were the best things I ever put on my face.
Three months later, I forgot them at the park.
I was so mad that from then on I decided I would never pay more than $6 on a pair of sunglasses.
A handful of lost six-dollar pairs later, I lowered the cap price to $1.
So far, I’ve had good luck keeping such cheap shades. My last pair ($1 at a yard sale) lasted me 6 whole months!
Unfortunately, ever since I set them down at an IKEA in Houston last November, I’ve have gone through three more pairs of sunglasses. That’s, like, a pair a month!
The first pair I left at my mom’s church.
The second got placed in my purse and, well, if you know the violent tempest that is a woman’s purse then you can see how this happened:
The final pair I am keeping as a way to teach myself a lesson:
They are broken and crooked and uncomfortable and, knowing my luck, they will be the one pair I manage to hold onto for eternity.
And so it goes with the worst sunglasses owner ever.