The Flesh-Colored Turtleneck

I almost choked on my dinner the other night when a girl walked into the restaurant wearing only a blouse and a pair of boots.

“Oh my God, that girl is half naked!” my friend and I whispered to each other.

As the girl came closer, however, it turned out she was wearing hot pants.  Teeny, tiny hot pants.

“Who would wear those hot pants in public?” I hissed in disgust.

Upon further gawking, we realized that Hot Pants was really wearing snug-fitting, flesh-colored jeans.

“Who would ever choose to wear a piece of tight, flesh-colored clothing?” I demanded when suddenly, from the depths of my memory, I recalled this picture:


That’s me.

Wearing a snug-fitting, flesh-colored turtleneck.

When I was fourteen, I traveled to Norway and while shopping for souvenirs in Oslo, I spotted a clothing store.  Curious to see if Norwegian clothing was different from American clothing, I peeked inside.  There weren’t many differences, but there was a sale so I browsed the racks looking for something in my size.  All I found was a plum-colored slip dress and this turtleneck.  Once stateside, I wore the two pieces together with motorcycle boots and a teddy bear necklace.  (Because I was a beast.)

Eventually, I mustered up the courage to wear the turtleneck on its own with a pair of jeans and when I made it through the day without any comments I thought I was home free.  It wasn’t until a couple months later that a classmate told me that he thought I looked topless in the shirt when he spotted me from a distance.

Rule: High school girls who have already been gawked at enough for their bodies do NOT under any circumstances want to appear half naked to their classmates.

So with that, I donated the birthday suit to Goodwill.

Moral of the story

Eyelids. Thighs.  Raw chicken.  It is acceptable for these items to be flesh-colored.

Jeans?  Shirts? Any other article of clothing?  Please, put some clothes on.

Oh, wait…you’re wearing clothes?

Then, please, put some different clothes on.


6 thoughts on “The Flesh-Colored Turtleneck

  1. What a riot, that cracked me right up. While the turtleneck might have been a mis-step, look on the bright side…you’ve got great hair….no weird bangs or mullets to laugh about.

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