Facing Loss Makes Me Want To Do Crazy Things

Facing loss makes me want to do crazy things.

I want to listen to Wasted Days and Wasted Nights until I start to resemble Freddy Fender.

I want to drive around until I see a Mexican man.  And when I find him I will ask him:

“Do you mind if I hug you?  My Dad was a Mexican, but he is far away right now so you will have to do.”

I drove past a dead cat on the side of the road this morning.

I almost pulled over so that I could scoop him into my arms,

so that I could run from house to house asking:

“Is this your cat?  I thought you might want to stroke his fur one last time.”

Facing loss, I find that while driving, I’m not traveling down a road, but rather

the road and all the surrounding trees and Starbucks and Office Depots suddenly pop up out of nowhere and hit me in the face.


20 thoughts on “Facing Loss Makes Me Want To Do Crazy Things

  1. I feel your pain – been there – done that all to often this past year. I am so here if you need me! I would love to do crazy things with you as it always seem to make more sense when you do it with someone. Love you!

      • I started mine shortly after my Mom passed, by having my very own scavenger hunt to keep my mind occupied and my slow times busy. I am constantly on the look out for off the wall, almost impossible to find items, which makes it even more interesting for me and makes no sense to anyone else! I have also started leaving out food for stray animals in honor of Malfoy (don’t tell Doug). Add to that list, visiting strange & unusual places (yes Furniture Junket & Rust and Roses & Consignments this past weekend alone) And believe it or not, I am heading (weather permitting) to Buffalo Gap this coming weekend to flea market! And my all time favorite so far, driving the back roads by myself, camera on board, sometimes listening to music-sometimes just listening to the quiet, passing the time, talking to myself and feeling the freedom from all those who think they should keep an eye on me because I have not “grieved” the way they think I should. So what sounds interesting to you? I am game for anything!

        Sweet Leilani, know that no matter how hard you prepare for a loved ones passing, you are never really prepared. We have been created uniquely, we are individual and not like anyone else, During the loss process, be who you are, who you were created to be. It is ok that you follow your heart, be emotional, confused, angry, happy, sad, do crazy things. Do not let anyone try to fit you into their grieving mold, because in all actuality, there is no right or wrong way to feel or grieve. Just “be” you sweetie!

  2. Loss is a funny little bird….you don’t realize it until it hits you. No one can understand it until they have felt the same pain. I’m sorry for what you are going through. That ole saying that “Time heals”…does work but it doesn’t make you feel any better in the present! Just think of ways to deal with the loss in a positive way. When I lost my father 3 years ago in June, the first Christmas was the hardest. I didn’t think I would be able to breath! But I managed to pull myself together and put Christmas up…it took me 3 days! My house is usually a Christmas explosion, excluding that year, so my normal 5 trees turned into 1 big tree. My Dad loved Christmas and he was a BIG charactor, so I put up a small “Daddy/PAPA” tree in his honor. I hung ornamentes on it that reminded me of him. I have several Harley Davidson ornamentes, a BIG “H” for his last name, a honey bun for his favorite desert, and each year a add one in his honor. You just have to think of something that will help you deal with that person not being HERE with you. Whatever works for you might not work for the next person but there are people that understand. Hope this helps and if you need to talk, I’m just an email away! ❤

    • Thank you for sharing that. How precious a tradition to set up his own tree. If Daddy had an ornament it would be a picture of Freddy Fender and a bucket of KFC. I hugged him for the last time in October. Does this mean I will always regret not hugging him in his last days?

      • even if you are there to hug him one last time, you will still wish, desire, to hug him one more time. It never ends. I don’t know if you’ve ever been at the bedside of someone who has died. I’ve been at the bedside when someone peacefully, calmly takes that last breath and it was beautiful. Then I’ve been at a bedside where they are gasping and struggling for every last breath, wiggling in pain and it was awful. Only you can know what you can handle at this moment. Make the descision and stick to it. Don’t second guess and don’t live in regret.

      • I think you are right. Lots of regretty feelings going on. I regretted throwing a banana peel away yesterday instead of placing it in the compost heap. Inevitable maybe, but I bet he would be so sweet to hug right now…

  3. Most important thing is to take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel the emotions inside of you. Don’t bury them. You will feel the need to keep busy to drown them out. Don’t. Scream, cry, throw something, feel it now. You hold them back, you ingnore them you will only make yourself sick mentally and physically. Anyone who is close to you will understand your pain and will let you express them in a healthy way. Again, don’t second guess yourself. Later you will look back and say “I wish I had… or why didn’t I…”. But later down the road you will be in a different place than where you are now. Right now you have to make the choices that are good for you here and now. Not where you think you will be later.

    • Again, thank you. I am trying to distract myself because I just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s either cry more or hunt down season 2 of Downton Abbey.

  4. Oh Leilani, my heart breaks for you. No one can ever “know what you are going through” because we are all different, and our hearts and minds and relationships with those we love are all different. Just know that you can and will make it through this. You may be different on the other side of it, but that is how life changes and grows us. I am kind of an emotionally walled up person and use jokes and distance to keep myself from having and showing any real emotions, so the thought of having such strong ones scares me. For some reason, I feel you might be the same as me in that respect…just a hunch 😉 Just know, however you feel you need to grieve and deal, it is ok, don’t listen or care a thing about people telling you that you aren’t grieving “right.” Just do what feels right for you. All the love and hugs from your “blog friend who has never met you, but feels like your friend anyways :D” – Miranda

  5. Pingback: What’s That Smell? |

  6. ugh, yes craziness and panic that you’ll never hear their voice again.. Sorry, I have no words to put a heart at ease. It’s been 10 years and I still have moments, first sad thoughts, then happy thoughts, then sad thoughts but always, in the end Love.

  7. Leilani, I have found that holding on to the precious memories we have of those we lost is what gets us through day by day. There are days I feel both my parents presence and have found myself saying, “I need to tell Mom or Dad such and such.” God will give you strength during this time in many ways such as friends, family and even people you do not know who express their love or concern. Allow others to be strong for you as well as it is ok to cry and show your grief if you need too. My heart is heavy for you but know that many prayers are being prayed for you and your family and if you need to talk, I am always here.

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