Thirty Thoughts on Turning 30: #25 The World’s Worst Sunglass Owner


In the thirty years I’ve been alive, I have learned how to drive, feed my family, pay my bills on time and grow tomatoes.  (Among other things.)

Unfortunately, I have not learned how to keep a pair of sunglasses.

Every pair that has ever come into my possession has been forgotten on the subway, lost in the river, sat on and/or destroyed beyond all recognition.

My corneas are very mad at me.

The first pair of sunglasses I ever paid for cost $12 at Burlington Coat Factory, and they were the best things I ever put on my face.

Three months later, I forgot them at the park.

I was so mad that from then on I decided I would never pay more than $6 on a pair of sunglasses.

A handful of lost six-dollar pairs later, I lowered the cap price to $1.

So far, I’ve had good luck keeping such cheap shades.   My last pair ($1 at a yard sale) lasted me 6 whole months!

Unfortunately, ever since I set them down at an IKEA in Houston last November, I’ve have gone through three more pairs of sunglasses.  That’s, like, a pair a month!

The first pair I left at my mom’s church.

The second got placed in my purse and, well, if you know the violent tempest that is a woman’s purse then you can see how this happened:

The final pair I am keeping as a way to teach myself a lesson:

They are broken and crooked and uncomfortable and, knowing my luck, they will be the one pair I manage to hold onto for eternity.

And so it goes with the worst sunglasses owner ever.